some try to face the truth,
some would rather live a lie,
most of us will spend our years
treading both sides of the line
- shanghai dynasty
There are suddenly so many things I DON’T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT.
because only then do we appreciate life,
only then do we know and appreciate happiness.
and the saying is true that it’s only awkward if you make it awkward,
and haha—I kinda made it awkward.
I had to walk past him to get to another part of the area, and I waved an awkward hello.
It was a weird time to run into him because I’ve been having thoughts this past week about how I miss him and our conversations… but it’s much, much easier to brush aside those thoughts and feelings than it used to be.
My friend told me today that when you love someone, you can forgive them,
and I thought I loved him, but I don’t know that I was ever able to forgive him.
Why couldn’t he give me everything I wanted when I wanted it? Why did he have to make it hurt so much for years and then when I had given up and no longer wanted any of it, he decided to offer it up on a plate?
How were you able to spend months telling me that you couldn’t even try dating me because you weren’t sure I was the one… And then when I finally got you to try, why did you spend months encouraging my insecurities with your falls and lack of trust? You can’t build a relationship that way. I wanted the world from you. There was a point when I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and you shut me out.
And then came that one fateful night when we were on the rocks and you should have come down to see me, but you didn’t, for a dumb reason that made me so angry. And then came that fateful sentence about thanksgiving and how the thought of traveling with me on a holiday scared you, because oh, you were just not really ready for something really serious.
But then suddenly a month later, you see that I’m drifting away, and then everything has changed. Suddenly you would risk everything, do anything, give anything. Suddenly you make the suggestion that you could spend the rest of your life with me. And suddenly, after knowing me for over three years, for the first time, you tell me that you love me. Why did you only want me when I was running away?
And maybe I’m not over you because I am so incredibly bitter, or maybe I am completely over you but still bitter that if you had just thought about your feelings for me earlier and tried a little harder then maybe you could have spared me
The feeling that you didn’t care enough, that I wanted more than you did, that I was more emotionally invested than you ever would be… I had to face that for years. You had to deal with that for a few months, and now I am pretty sure you hate me. Or actually, you said you were apathetic. And apathy is worse than hatred. Apathy is the opposite of love. And that makes me angry too. That you don’t even realize that the bitterness and apathy that I felt was a result of your not caring enough, the same way that your apathy is from me not caring enough.
Because I couldn’t get myself to care enough. I couldn’t get past the anger, the resentment, and the bitterness. I loved you and I still love you and I would jump in front of a car to push you out of the way. But I don’t think I care. No, I don’t care for jumping back into that mess of being treated like a yo-yo, to heighten my insecurities, to always feel left wanting more.
And I don’t really care about you anymore either. Well… I guess I do. Just not enough. And I’m glad you’re gone.
I can’t believe that after all this time, it still hurts.
It’s day 3 of You Have Said Goodbye For Good. I know I pushed you away, but I never wanted to push you this far. It’s a little funny how I let you treat me like a yo-yo for two years, but the moment you feel like you are the one being toyed with, you disappear.
Do I even care about all that? Right now all I care about is that there is a huge gaping hole in my life that you used to fill. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Should I let it close up and heal, or will I realize that you are the one who is supposed to be there, filling that hole? Will anything ever be enough to replace it? I don’t know.
I miss you.